I am going to share something with you that I have yet to share with anyone. Well, other than my sweet Creator, but He became very real throughout a huge time of uncertainty.
Over the last several months the Lord has really challenged me in the area of trusting Him in all things. I have watched dear friends and family go through trials that seemingly make no sense to our human minds, yet, in the end, there is always a purpose. It’s hard to go through the fire looking toward what that purpose may be though, isn’t it? We often go through those floods trying to paddle our own boat, fix things, or just figure out why!
That was me several months ago. Despite the other not so wonderful things within my pregnancy I had another HUGE uncertainty that made things even more difficult. At my ultrasound at 17 weeks I was given that uncertainty. I am NOT a worry wart, nor am I an uptight mom, but this “mini” trial God sent my way just tested those buttons a little more. Some may know the feeling when entering that ultrasound room wondering what gender it will be, if the baby is deformed, how he/she is growing and so much more. It is an exciting time, for sure, BUT, it can also be frustrating and often uncertain and scary.
I knew before we went that we were having a girl. It’s just something about puking my guts out continually and feeling like I could die that gives the female gender away! ha ha…. Nonetheless I still had a slight hope that it could be a boy even though it really didn’t matter to us! The nurse immediately showed us that she was girl and we were excited. I started right away thinking of those cute girl names that I had grown to love. After over an hour of prodding and more I noticed that the nurse was a little jittery. She had gotten really quiet and was no longer showing me what she was measuring and taking pictures of. I seriously got a knot in my stomach and just plain felt sick. Ever been in one of those situations where you want to speak, but nothing comes out? That was me. I tried not to show my husband my uneasiness, but it was there---all over. I was asked to lay in the strangest positions, use the bathroom several times, and over and over again never being told why. So, I finally asked, “what is wrong?” She didn’t answer right away, but then quietly said she was looking for the space at the bottom of the spine in order to determine if our little bundle had spinal bifida. What? was my first reaction. Immediately my mind and thoughts went haywire! Not my baby! What can we do? and so many other questions began racing through my mind. After another hour of trying to determine and take pictures she closed the computer and said that maybe I would have to have another ultrasound at a later date and she could not see what she needed to see.
I walked out of that office, yes, excited to welcome a new little girl in a few months, but also SICK to my stomach of an uncertain situation. May I say, no matter if perfectly formed or handicap we would love our little ones, but I wanted to know so I could prepare.
I have a sweet SIL that has a little girl with down syndrome! She is the greatest example of a momma to me! My mind raced to think of questions I could ask her that would help me even prepare. All this aside, God pushed me to my knees when I returned home and told me to just be still and trust Him. It was over a short few days that I realized that any news did not matter! That God was in control and had a plan for me even through a seemingly uncertain situation that was on my horizon. The questions and lack of knowledge did cause extra stress and often worry throughout the remainder of my pregnancy, BUT I can say that God became so close to me! He was the only one I talked to about this burden and I never had to carry it alone. Wow! I serve a great God and have a sweet friend to run to knowing that none of my ways are uncertain to Him. He has paved the way for every pit stop along the road of life.
I am so thankful for several months of uncertainty! On the following appointment the doctor said that maybe I could consider another ultrasound at a later date to see if things had gotten better. But, honestly it was one of those things that got forgotten and were unimportant in comparison to all that was going on. I am blessed to have a sweet little munchkin that is doing well and where nothing was wrong with her spine!
My God continues to amaze me and show me Himself in those uncertain times. Are you going through a time of uncertainty? Is your husband between jobs? Struggling to pay your bills? Have a disabled child or parent to care for? Not sure about ministry futures? Remember that we are to “Be still and know” He IS GOD! Look at the life of Job…what each of us walk through or face is NOTHING in comparison to Job or to our Savior as He walked the road to Calvary for you and me. So, as you face that uncertainty today run to Him because He holds you in the center of His hand.