Monday, January 20, 2014

Sometimes the “jumping” hurts

Ever feel like “jumping” down life’s steps can rip you apart in every way? DSC_0683

The news rang loud and clear in my ringing ears, and I almost didn’t want to breathe. As I hung up the phone, all I could do was sink to my knees and beg God for some mighty genuine grace for the weeks ahead.

Three weeks before I had non-chalantly entered a rather nice dermatology facility with the intent to get several moles and a lump that had randomly appeared checked. The week before we received news that my Grandfather had been diagnosed with melanoma. And in the past 5 years 4 others had been diagnosed and one slipped into eternity as a result. So, that alone made this “random” no worry check-up become that much more worryful! (is that a word?) Honestly, I had no intent to say anything, because I know people go in and deal with this stuff everyday, right? Well, not this lady. I had no idea what to expect…

The waiting room was beautiful…actually, it was gorgeous and I actually took note of a cool rod iron gate door they had hung on the wall. It was just calm, which I guess is needed in that particular environment. I watched sweet little old couples clinging to each other’s hands as they briskly flipped through disturbing images the doctor had given them of nasty growths on their skin. The thought entered my mind of their eternity and it sparked a conversation that lasted only minutes before they were swept away into surgery. That awkward moment when you are left alone in an unfamiliar place with completely no control of what happens next---that was I in the moment. But, I am so thankful for a mighty God who sits by our side and wraps us up in His loving arms and says, “Be still and know that I am God!” He is my God and has never failed yet and never will!

I had the nicest nurses who circled every possible mole or bump that they would need to evaluate. I was calm and asked lots of questions. Obviously my family medical history spoke volumes so the doctor checked each place extensively. I had 5 moles scraped off that day. It hurt, but no worse for the wear. And, like I said, people go through this every day and never say a word or bat an eye.

It was 3 weeks of waiting---painful waiting, literally. One spot hurt so badly and bled constantly. It didn’t sit right with me and I honestly let that stupid little mole get the better of me. I worried, and worried, and worried some more. I found myself thinking the worst and it was a hard burden to bear. But, in the sweet stillness of a morning, God gave me sweet reminder that His paths are best and that He alone is my hiding place despite that gloomy cloud over head. It was something He took from me for a few weeks and I thought little about. Christmas was marvelous and I am so thankful that He chose to keep that call til’ afterwards.

Two days after Christmas was when I got the call---that call that landed me on my knees scared to death of the uncertainties that loomed ahead. I’ve lived with many uncertainties in life, but when it hits personally and physically it’s a totally different ball park. I was told that 2 moles consisted of bad cells (there is a scientific term for it), and they would need to remove more in order to make sure nothing had spread and re-biopsy for additional information as to the extent of the cells.  I left in 5 days for a week long trip to Wisconsin and 3 of the days I had company so my follow-up appointment was put on hold for 2 weeks out.

Well, last week was that appointment and I will be quite honest without giving all the the nasty details… it was no fun! I  wasn't really prepared for what was ahead as I was guided down a long hallway and walked through a door labeled “surgery.” I actually thought, “Maybe they have the wrong folder with the wrong name.” Until, another nurse turned and said, “Molly, you are having 2 moles cut out today, right?” Well, I guess so is what I thought, but I was not prepared for a minor surgery, but that's what I had... Lights, operating table, drugs, doctors, nurses, and all. Literally! Wasn't prepared emotionally, but I took a deep breath and remembered that when my heart is overwhelmed I have a solid rock on which to stand. My hands were actually shaking so bad that I had to cling to the table so they wouldn’t see. They were super nice, and the procedure was actually not awful, but if I had known that was what lay ahead I would have come to the appointment ready emotionally and with my hubby. It took about 1/2 hour for them to dig out 2 and scrape a lump and biopsy another. They had to check a cyst they found under my arm as well. I was stitched up and sent on my way saying that I will have to come back in 10 days to remove stitches and hopefully hear more about the biopsy results.

All this to say, that sometimes the steps we are given are HARD, most of the times they are out of our control, but EVERY time those steps and big jumps is just what God wants to get you on your knees and get you to fully trust and rely on Him.

I would be lying if I said that I haven’t been scared, I haven’t thought the worst, and haven’t cried thinking about it. But I will be honest in saying that while I have done all those things, I have also felt the mighty arms of a loving Savior wrap around me giving me absolute confidence that He controls the days and steps ahead no matter what the outcome.

I would covet your prayers that my next checkup will reveal that they got all the bad and that this was just another one of those little, but big emotional steps that God needed me to take in order to shift my eyes to the cross. And, if it is more than that, I can and will rest in the truth that HE is GOOD all of the time and HIS way is always PERFECT!